I Don't Care
by sikeminatural
Summary: Summary: Dean would give it all up, just to get this brother back.    *******some season 6 spoilers************


_**Title**: _I Don't Care

Summary: Dean would give it all up, just to get this brother back.

*******some season 6 spoilers************

"_If you were dead or still alive, I don't care...I don't care" –_ I Don't Care – Apocalyptica.

* * *

As he drives up to the cemetery he wonders if it would have been more fitting to bring the Impala. But he resigns himself to the fact that he wouldn't have been able to take it out anyway without falling apart. So he's driving his pick up, it's practical what with Ben and all. Part of him wonders why he even made this trip. It's not like he buried a body here. Sticking a crappy wooden cross into the ground seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It's hard to believe that he's been gone for a year. It's hard to believe that Dean can't even bring himself to say his name. So here is. At the place he last saw his brother. He wishes that he'd come more often but the nightmares alone are a reminder of how royally he fucked up. Each day he thinks of his brother rotting in hell crying out for him and each day he pushes the image away.

After all he's got what he wanted now. Someone to come home to, a kid, homemade apple pie, eating dinner at a damn table, being in bed by 11, reading about politics in the newspaper, following a sports team. Yet there's still something missing. It's funny that when Dean envisioned this apple pie life…S..His brother was always here with him. But now he's got it, Sam's nowhere to be seen. _Dammit Sam_, he thinks, _why did you leave me?_ That's what it always boils down to in Dean's mind. Sam left him; Dad left him…even his mother left him. And it makes him feel as guilty as hell. He has Lisa now and Ben, they're his family. They're all he needs. Right? But this life…it's not enough for him. He sometimes wants to get out there sometimes and just kill whatever the hell he can find. Just anything instead of rotting away at the house, watching as time flies by while he does a job he has no patience for. He can't count the number of times he's prayed that this is all a dream that Sam is still here with him. He doesn't know why he still bothers.

But…sometimes…sometimes he wonders if Sam is really dead. He thinks that he should be able to feel it, that familiar sense of dread and knowing that he will never be back but he doesn't. And…sometimes it's almost as though someone is watching him. Dean may be living his version of the American dream but he's not as far gone as to believe that crap about your loved ones watching over you. That's just Hallmark crap. He still has instincts from when he was a hunter, hell he'll probably never lose them. But he can never quite see who it is; they're always in his peripheral vision, just a blur in the distance. He tells himself that he's seeing what he wants to see, he's imagining things. Dreaming. Never mind the fact that his nights are almost always sleepless.

He thinks about maybe calling Bobby but he always decides that it's all or nothing. He's either living the life or he's not. So he stays here where it's safe, where he's keeping his promise. It helps for a while, the normalcy of everyday life, the ongoing routine. It makes it easier to forget all he's been through. Maybe It's because Lisa and Ben are innocent. They don't have shadows in their eyes like Sam does. Did. It's nice to have conversations about things that aren't supernatural, things that…are _normal. _But at the same time he misses his messed up life because as crappy as it was, it was his life. He wouldn't be who he was without it and it's not like it was all bad. There was some good too. He guesses that this is a case of not being able to have your cake and eat it. But it doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't stop the regrets from piling out and spilling out from inside him. It doesn't change the fact that Sam isn't here. He knows deep down inside that he would give this up in a second if it meant that he could have Sam back. Dean knows how selfish that makes him but somehow he knows that Lisa would understand. All she's ever done is understand.

As he reaches the spot where it happened, the memories engulf him until all he can see is Sam falling backwards into the pit. He still remembers the terrified look on Sam's face. He puts a hand on his chest, his hand curling against something that isn't there. He often wonders what happens to the amulet, he wishes that he hadn't been so stupid as to throw it away. _Maybe one day I'll get it back_, he thinks, _and I'll never let it go again._ Dean doesn't bother to think about what that sentiment really means. He knows that it's not as cut and dry as that. It never is.

But then again, Sam always comes back.

Right?


End file.
